Wait, What, where is this in the title? I Have been thinking a lot about life and taking a moment to put things into perspective. To stop and breathe and enjoy the things that I have an maybe not ponder all that I have lost. There have been many tragedies in my time and I try to push on and learn and teach about them but this is not always an option. There are things I will never understand. Things that I will never get over. And things that make such an impact on my heart they change me. Recently I had some of those things come up, They brought me back to a time when my brother passed away or really was murdered. He was 3 weeks passed his 24th birthday when he crossed paths with someone who did not want him around and killed him. No explanation. No story. No witness and no one who ever was prosecuted. I will never understand, never get over it and it changed me profoundly. It changed everyone around me profoundly right down to who I have around me. My parents were forever people who had to do the worst thing ever, bury a child.
I have watched others bury their children and regardless of how this occurred it will never be understood. If it is fast or slow, you expect it, or you don't one can never understand the death of child. And the reality is anyone who is younger than me and passes is a child. It is amazing to me how many people I have had to bury in my 38 years of life. My father has even commented on this factor.
Its days and times like this that my defenses are up. That my passion for other people comes out, and I have to sit and gain some perspective to answer my denials of why. What perspective should I gain? What have I lost? What have you lost? Help a sister out and share. Be in the now. Stop and smell those beautiful roses hidden far beneath the bitter snow.
Now I know I’m a Chicagoan and should know better that we only have winter and construction, but all this winter does not make a girl happy! I’m one who needs to see and feel sunshine, or I drop. I need to get my vitamin D or I may bite someone’s head off. Ok I’m not that bad but I’m pretty over the blahs. Seasonal Affected Disorder or SAD is real! For me it may last all year and I’m managed but for others it’s a winter non sunshine and warmth thing. Appreciate each other. Appreciate what is happening. Get out and do things. Be kind to the ones who need it, and remember there is always a glimpse of sunshine somewhere.
Short and sweet to remind you I haven’t forgotten about you all! More soon!!
In my world I think people think that I have it all together, and man do I have people fooled! I’m a huge fake it til you make it type of girl. I run on empty, I try to be super, I fall apart and hit a wall, then figure out how to do it again the next day. Maybe I’m a mess but I’m your mess now!! And I’m loaded with random ass information that some people care about...or pretend to, which is ok because really I’m just pretending too.
I thoroughly admitted at the beginning of taking on my passion project, my blog, that I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing. I’m a work in progress and I have a ton of flaws. It may appear that I have it together but judging from the many missing pieces of this site, I think I’m just faking it and trying to put it all together! I dream of a day when people come to me with what they want to know and my vision is complete. But then what would be the fun?? I’m just a girl trying to stay afloat in a world that seems to want t drown me much of the time. As I tell the man when he plays the lotto we are workers not winners so you better not hang up your boots quite yet!
So ladies and gentlemen I’m not perfect! I am sooo flawed! I do not really have the time to do much, but I want to. Does that count for anything??
Ok have you found that everywhere you go from the doctors office, to an oil change and some store that they all want your opinion? Some I feel get extra points just for mentioning the survey to its patrons? Or do they?? And the real question is how much do you want to know? As my follower you know I have opinions about things but I don’t think all people want to know my honest opinion in detail. Take a recent experience at my car dealer where I get my oil changes. They stick a thing in my car saying I hope you don’t mind but you may receive a survey asking your experience. Then it goes to say if I am going to mark anything except excellent I should call them first. Well do you want my opinion or not? I’m a teacher and scrutiny is placed on my evaluation and before my boss puts I’m excellent, proficient or not profienct he has to chat with me but that doesn’t mean that he’s not gonna mark it the way he feels, right? But are you gonna talk me out of my opinion? Admittedly I’m willing to listen to your ploy to get me to change my mind but if I had a bad experience then I kind of want to shout it to the world because obviously you’re no good. Or that one time sucked. I don’t know. What’s your opinion?? See I ask questions of you all, all the time and no one responds. Should I give a quick plea for opinions? I’d love them but not gonna tell you to give me a call if I’m subpar. I’m gonna ask for feedback on how to make better. I’ll have anxiety but seriously I’ll listen! Thoughts??
So here we are, spring break for teachers and kids. Now what do we do? I have to say and I’ve seen a lot of people saying once they had kids TGIF became TGIM these kids tire us out! Now I’m very lucky to have a stay at home Dad, but still I want to embrace every moment with these tikes. The real question becomes how do I get them out a nd about without ruining their nicely established routine? How can I still see people I never get to see without overwhelming the man too?
I sat with all of my fellas for breakfast this morning and instead of all of us enjoying this meal the twins were showing off their raspberry skills and not eating. Getting mad that we kept saying no. Now on the weekend I feed the boys in the morn as usual then our accepted way is I go back to my room and maybe go back to sleep and let matt do breakfast and such. But I’m up so I like to join. But I’m interruptus mamus! I get on the man at night when I get the boys ready for bed and nurse them and then bed. Well Matt enjoys wandering around at this time and really interrupting the boys who I have established this routine with. We are somewhat attempting to wean though admittedly I’m not ready and I want to find some way to keep this routine after breastfeeding is finished. We never bought the rocker for me to snuggle with the boys at night. We do most things on the couch in the living room. This is kind of the problem. We need to find a space and time that’s ours. I know it’s possible. How do you do it? How do you get your night routine? Do you have a stay at home parent who also covets this time? What’s the balance? Can I find it over this break? Do I wait til summer? Hmmm...wait what to do over spring break??
As parents and really as people we strive to create some semblance of a balance in our lives. Balance as a worker, balance as a partner, balance as a parent, and of course balance as an individual. In talking to many of my parent friends we find ourselves so overwhelmed to make sure our household stays in order and our children are provided for. How do we find that balance. Keeping our minds and bodies and our souls in check so that our children and our circles know that we are ok. As a mom and someone who has struggled with depression and anxiety with a tad bit of a type AAA personality and ADHD, I am always on the move. If I am sitting I have to be doing something. I am still breastfeeding so proper medication is not an option so I have to create balance somehow. I smile to the outside world, but I am constantly struggling on the inside.
Balance? What is it really? Do I have to sacrifice some creature comforts to achieve this well being? Do I have to compromise some of my drive to be balanced? So many questions and yet they will remain unanswered. I alone have to make the decision. A conscious decision to be ok at what I am doing at this current time. A decision that I may just be an ok parent, teacher, and partner for a little bit and that is ok. My therapist asked me if I have ever not exceeded or gone above and beyond in the roles that I play and I quickly responded in a sheepish manner, No. In my bio I even state that. Here is to trying to be ok at being ok. To find happiness and "balance" in this very unbalanced world I happen to live in!
All I can think about right now is the end of the iconic Toys’r Us and Babies ‘r us. Marking another end of what was my childhood. A staple for when I was a kid. Now we didn’t go often but I wanted to go all the time! I have fond memories of wanting an etch a sketch animator and made my dad go with me every week to check if they finally had one in stock. Then one day miraculously it was there only to make it to the bottom of a pile of crap that I didn’t want to play with anymore because it may have been just the thrill of getting it at that point. Who knows but I’ll tell you that thing was not what it was all worked up to be, but I wanted it and it was a mission I won! And only toys r us would carry such a thing. Back then we didn’t have the big box killer stores which I happen to love some of them, but we only had local stores and Toys ‘r us in the 80’s.
There are just a scattering of places and stories I remember vividly from that time in my life but that was one of them. Being a Jewish girl growing up they had the big toy book that I loved to look through and find deals that my mom was soooo not venturing out to get me but it was the best and happiest magazine of the year! All I had to learn was which toy I could cover at that time of year.
There are so many ends of childhood things and with this it is also a place that reminds me of new beginnings for so many people. I registered there. So many of my friends registered there. I could spend a lot of money on a lot of crap to shower my friends new babes and mine. Sad to see things change and quick. I was prepared for some to be closing but not all of them! Oh my childhood! Where will my kids go to covet toys? In the same place we buy diapers and iPhones? The local target or my boyfriend amazon? I guess so. So modern. Too modern. I want my kids to grow up with a happy place that’s all about them. So many are disappearing. Even the small amusement parks are gone being replaced by a giant Costco (another love of mine). Ugh! I guess I will have to find new places. More things to seek out while figuring out this momming and adulting. I’ll make it happen. Where are you going to go?
In my new blogger mind I know I need to post all of the time but man things get busy! People ask and people wait for a new post but sometimes damn work has to take precidence right? I sat pumping in Napa with a service signal of nothing and thought man there is a post here, so I’m going to think back a week.
If you didn’t already know pumping is a lonely life. You have to sneak away to pump and feed your little pups even when you are not there. You have to plan your toxins so your milk is good. Then you have to figure out how to transport it all. I looked into shipping my liquid gold but that’s expensive for the point I am at in this journey. So I froze it and took it home. I admit this time, though lonely, is my time. Time that is quickly coming to an end. Where no one bothers me because, well I’m pumping.
I think back on my last almost 15 months and think of all that time I have been hooked up to my variety of pumps and realize with pride what I have accomplished. But at the same time how much time is going to come back to me. There is guilt and sadness. There is happiness and celebration but at the root it is the end of a journey that I have fought the good fight to have.
I didn’t realize when sitting down to write this that pumping was going to be the post but I guess that’s where I’m at. Life is busy. Change is hard. New things and new norms will have to be created again. My babies are thriving and though this time is coming to a close I have to realize there are other things I can do to keep my time with them. What are they? No idea. Will they remember this time. No. But I will always cherish the good and the bad times and hard times and perseverance that I’ve had for this journey.
But I will get my free periods back to do actual work work and then maybe time to do this, my passion project. But I will miss my time. My bond. To make new bonds with my babies. Hmmmm...
The gift that keeps on giving! The Romper or Pantper as we are calling the pants version is still alive and well in Sonoma county California! My group and I were stunned 3 years ago when we came and the amount of rompers were astonishing and this year no different! With the invention of the Romphim it makes it even cookier to us! My friend Vegas said a romphim should just be called NO! Again I am no fashionista or fashion blogger but some things are a no go in my world! How does one potty? Why do we think this is cute? Maybe it’s our late 30’s early 40’s ways but still they are wrong. We are different sizes and shapes and still no! What’s next coolats?
Well I’m officially on ladies wine weekend Bestie 40th YOFO (you’re only 40 once) in Sonoma/Napa! We landed, it’s raining, we don’t care. In the back of my head I’m anxious, I feel bad, I hope all is okay at home with the twinnies. Of course they were both running high fevers last night and today. On a guilty and happy I did get to nurse them before leaving at 4:30 but they were HOT and made the Mom guilt come on more with a vengeance!
Nothinh I imagine 2-3 bottles of wine won’t fix. Or those will make me cry who knows! I made it that’s all I know. My sick babies see me in FaceTime and just look sad and confused. Where’s Mom and why do I have to drink this bottle?
Oye! More later!
Jenifer Roth is a full time super woman...in her mind! Well she is good at being ok at the all the roles she takes on. Enjoy the ride!