I have had anxiety about this post. Anxiety in knowing that it needs to be written. Anxiety that I have been able to identify what is going on with me. Anxiety that I am struggling. Plain and simple. I am struggling. I feel that I need to share this with all of you because I know, for some reason, this April has been a struggle for many of you. That I am a real person putting it out there and saying, I am struggling. Mentally, physically, personally and professionally, I am struggling. My last post about being able to accept being ok with being ok and not succeeding at all things is still very real. When they compound and I do not discuss they build up and I just feel like a failure in so many aspects of life.
I talk often about the work and life balance. That it is hard and hard for a type AAA personality to make it all happen. Also that if I have chaos going on I know that I cease and desist. That I cannot organize or manage when it is all swirling around me.
Recently there have been things personally and professionally that I have been working hard at for many years. Dressing for the position I want all while doing a damn good job at the roles I have (IMO). It is exhausting, and I trying to find the strength in myself to accept the role I have. To stop working towards something else and focus on all the great things that I have going on. I do have some great things. It has been a struggle. I have to realize and wrap my head around the fact that I did not in most of these situations make the choice. The choices were made for me. I have become angry about this. Like a violation of my mind and person. It will be ok, but I need to express. I know that like Stuart Smalley on SNL "I am good enough, I am smart enough, and gosh darnnit people like me." that does not make it easier. When you go in for something knowing there is a good chance of being what I am calling "Shawshanked" or having my yearly "rejection" meeting, the choices were still not mine to make, not matter how hard I have worked for things.
The worst of that situation is it has trickled to my mommy life and partner life. Now Sorry Mr. WaitWhat your approach not the best, but what you speak is the truth. I have neglected the responsibility I have towards my home. Hence my personal struggles. As I said earlier I cease and desist and also I work well with a schedule. I know and appreciate Mr. WaitWhat is home with our children while I am out working but there are still things I need to get done and I have not been doing this. I get angry and I let other struggles become more major struggles where he blows up at me. Again approach not great but I swear I hear you. My brain has been tired, I have been sad, and angry and it is not the fault of my family at home, but it has been there.
Now I am working this out and trying to find solutions. Since blow up #2 with the Mr. I have been trying to be conscious with my presence at home. I am re-prioritizing the things I have neglected. I calmly spoke with Mr. WaitWhat to get him to maybe write me out a honey do list. I work better with a list or schedule, not on his time frame and this has not been a secret for a LONG time. Yet still that is what happens. He has an agenda and gets mad when I do not realize it and then do not want to do accomplish the task RIGHT THEN. What do you all do? What is a way to balance the stay at home parent with being the working parent? Help a sister out!
Professionally I am more angry than I expected to be. How things were handled or not handled with me. How I am accepting my role and how I can go forward in being the BEST that I am capable of being. It is going to take time. But until then acceptance is coming. I will be ok.
Physically I have been a roll for months. With all that has been swirling once again I am finding a backtrack. My physical self being pushed to the back. Its like either my eating is off or my workout is interrupted. Again how to balance. Happily and somehow I stayed at a 0 pound increase or decrease since the 1st of last month. BUT in reality it has been a gain and lost of the same 4 lbs basically all month long. I have 14 lbs until my 40 of 40 lb weight loss and 24 lbs to lose 10% of my body weight for the new weightix challenge. I CAN do this, but it is not going to be easy. I need accountability from a solid core of mamas. I am looking. Anyone? Anyone? I am thankful for the groups I am in now, but I need more sustainability. Also with all the stress comes the lovely cortisol which packs on the water weight and makes it harder to lose. Anyway no excuses. I think I can I think I can.
I am struggling. The struggle is real. I can persevere. I will be ok. The first step for me is to put it out there. To express my feelings. To realize that there is more going on inside than my outside self lets on. I will be ok.
Jenifer Roth is a full time super woman...in her mind! Well she is good at being ok at the all the roles she takes on. Enjoy the ride!