With mother's day quickly approaching @bumpclubandbeyond tasked me and other moms with the thought of when did you become a mother. I thought it was a pretty good article so I wanted to share with all of you what I wrote:
When this topic came across my computer I was immediately drawn to it and started thinking deeply about when I felt like a mom. Then I realized how hard it is to pin point the day, or the moment that it happened. Our journey has been a ride of up’s and down’s. There was no labor, no placing my babies on my chest, no meeting them for 24 hours because of how sick I was. My twins were born at just over 32 weeks gestation and were quickly whisked away to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit(NICU) where I had to try to get in my head that they were not sick babies they were small babies that I could not see for a day so I could get medication on board to protect my brain. Did I feel like a mom sitting in a hospital room without my children? Did I feel like a mom asking nurses if it was ok to pick up my own children? Did I feel like a mom leaving my babies in a hospital when I went home and back for 38 and 40 days? The sad answer is no. I had “Layaway Babies”. Babies that we surely were paying for financially and emotionally but did not get to take home until they could accomplish certain tasks. Tasks that I really could not help them with. They needed to grow.
When we finally took them home and I was attached to a pump while feeding my babies and living on less sleep than ever that’s when it hit. For the previous 5 weeks I did not get sleep because of that darn pump, but I didn’t have tiny humans who needed me to get them fed and clean and happy. I remember late one night or morning when I was feeding the fellas and I started noticing some differences in my identical little boys. When I could tell them apart like no one else and that’s when I was a mom. I was crying in a mess of hormones still worried that I had ruined them forever because of my body falling apart, but I was their mom and we were going to persevere together as a family.
I had done all that I could do to help them thrive and I would never quit on my tiny and mighty boys. They saw me as their mom and it was time that I felt like it too. As time passes I still see them as individual people and tell them apart from their cries, their looks, and their budding personalities. That’s my mom story. My own journey. Our journey together.
Wait, What, where is this in the title? I Have been thinking a lot about life and taking a moment to put things into perspective. To stop and breathe and enjoy the things that I have an maybe not ponder all that I have lost. There have been many tragedies in my time and I try to push on and learn and teach about them but this is not always an option. There are things I will never understand. Things that I will never get over. And things that make such an impact on my heart they change me. Recently I had some of those things come up, They brought me back to a time when my brother passed away or really was murdered. He was 3 weeks passed his 24th birthday when he crossed paths with someone who did not want him around and killed him. No explanation. No story. No witness and no one who ever was prosecuted. I will never understand, never get over it and it changed me profoundly. It changed everyone around me profoundly right down to who I have around me. My parents were forever people who had to do the worst thing ever, bury a child.
I have watched others bury their children and regardless of how this occurred it will never be understood. If it is fast or slow, you expect it, or you don't one can never understand the death of child. And the reality is anyone who is younger than me and passes is a child. It is amazing to me how many people I have had to bury in my 38 years of life. My father has even commented on this factor.
Its days and times like this that my defenses are up. That my passion for other people comes out, and I have to sit and gain some perspective to answer my denials of why. What perspective should I gain? What have I lost? What have you lost? Help a sister out and share. Be in the now. Stop and smell those beautiful roses hidden far beneath the bitter snow.
Now I know I’m a Chicagoan and should know better that we only have winter and construction, but all this winter does not make a girl happy! I’m one who needs to see and feel sunshine, or I drop. I need to get my vitamin D or I may bite someone’s head off. Ok I’m not that bad but I’m pretty over the blahs. Seasonal Affected Disorder or SAD is real! For me it may last all year and I’m managed but for others it’s a winter non sunshine and warmth thing. Appreciate each other. Appreciate what is happening. Get out and do things. Be kind to the ones who need it, and remember there is always a glimpse of sunshine somewhere.
Short and sweet to remind you I haven’t forgotten about you all! More soon!!
In my world I think people think that I have it all together, and man do I have people fooled! I’m a huge fake it til you make it type of girl. I run on empty, I try to be super, I fall apart and hit a wall, then figure out how to do it again the next day. Maybe I’m a mess but I’m your mess now!! And I’m loaded with random ass information that some people care about...or pretend to, which is ok because really I’m just pretending too.
I thoroughly admitted at the beginning of taking on my passion project, my blog, that I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing. I’m a work in progress and I have a ton of flaws. It may appear that I have it together but judging from the many missing pieces of this site, I think I’m just faking it and trying to put it all together! I dream of a day when people come to me with what they want to know and my vision is complete. But then what would be the fun?? I’m just a girl trying to stay afloat in a world that seems to want t drown me much of the time. As I tell the man when he plays the lotto we are workers not winners so you better not hang up your boots quite yet!
So ladies and gentlemen I’m not perfect! I am sooo flawed! I do not really have the time to do much, but I want to. Does that count for anything??
Jenifer Roth is a full time super woman...in her mind! Well she is good at being ok at the all the roles she takes on. Enjoy the ride!