Ok I’m not leaving until the crack of dawn on Friday but I am definitely in excited and super guilty mode. I go back and forth with emotions but at the end of the day obviously I’m getting on that plane with some of my closest lady friends and I’m going to have a great time! With that in the back of my mind I’m leaving my fellas for the first night since we got them home from NICU. I won’t see them live for the first time since the day after they were born. And I won’t be the one to wake them up and nurse or feed them in almost a year. I am their night and Day and I am their mama!
I think a lot of guilt comes with the knowledge that this is going to be another step in the weaning process. Also that working mom guilt that is always there and now once again I am the one leaving them, this time for a solid 4 days. Mr. WaitWhat is a total homebody and seems to never leave without the rest of us and is fine with that but now he has essentially 84 hours of twin toddlers. I have tried to ask him what arrangements I can help with but of course he says he’s all good, but that’s a lot of time right?
Anyway back to me! Mama guilt is real and I have prepped and prepped and now it’s time to go. What can I do to be there? FaceTime? Pump will be packed so I have that constant connection and reminder? Do I wake them at 5am to nurse before I go? Oh my the anxiety! Eh a few bottles of wine in I hope the crying doesn’t start! I’m prepared to keep up while away! Let’s see how it goes! I’m too excited and scared of what has to happen and what will be! Ok ramble over! More later- Ms.WaitWhat
Today was a good day. I had tiny humans wake up at midnight and I didn’t go back to sleep til 2am. Then they kind of slept in til like7:20 and then BAM...I’ve got shit to do! Quick shower, actually shave, change diapers set fellas down and out the door. Appointment #1 allergist where I explain that I’m addicted to my allergy shots and that in my head I’m convinced that because I’ve continued my shots my kids won’t have allergies. Whatever gimme my shots see you in 10months!
Over an hour til the next appointment, plug in addresses of the next 2 appointments, realize my gps doesn’t know where new Starbucks locations are ponder how I can get it updated and either way I know where to find one even though it’s gonna piss off Lola the GPS bitch who has to hang out with that other bitch SIri!
With Chai Tea Latte in hand I head to get my brows done(tinted, threaded, lashes tinted, new product reveal) thank you Benefit for having real boutiques with real brow artists! Appointment #2 done 1 more to go! The fabulous Patti at Enfuse MedSpa is there to blast away all found hair! Now seriously this woman is my homey! She was my original laser lady at a will not name medspa that may or may not be out of business with a lot of my money in limbo for sessions bought! Anyway Patti makes me feel like I’m doing for myself and have some time that’s mine.
I am a full time working mom with 2 jobs and an amazing man who is home with toddler twins all day. I rush home to hang with the fellas most days and live in fear that I do not stimulate my children enough to make them good humans. But how do I take care of myself? The answer is I do minimal in that department. But going to enfuse and benefit today made me remember that it’s ok to primp once in a while. Guilt is going to be there for the rest of my life at least I can look put together right?
I have always been a woman who takes care of others and don’t think I’m very high maintenance but there are things adult women need to spend time on and many of us don’t. Fathers don’t either! My matt well he never leaves but that’s not for here!
our kids will do best if we are at our best! Self care is hard but you have to make time for it for the sake of your sanity and your children. Do I deserve a mani pedi once a month? Sure. But is that realistic anymore? Not so much. But finding time more than quarterly would probably do this family well.
That should be all our goals this week...1 self care opportunity even going to the bathroom alone and reading Us Weekly. Tell us about it! How did it go? My goal is to get that mani pedi I speak of!! Good luck friends!!
Soooo I know I just posted my first live feed saying thank you but I wanted to reiterate my thank you here on the actual blog. Thank you friends and followers that are becoming friends! You have the inside track to my always running brain. The madness that makes up me.
But really I’ve said before this is my passion project. Something I have dreamed about for a long time and I am still looking for ways to improve upon my dreams. Help me out. Become a community of wait what’s!
Im updating slowly as I need to carve more time but I’m working on it. There will be reviews and products and a few of my favorite things! Enjoy all! Xoxo
Ok so I am not here to post about fashion because trust me I am not all that fashionable but more and more I am seeing more and more of people, especially my women friends. Ok maybe not my friends but women in general. What is it with half tops? And then it seems the new thing is lets not wear an undergarment under my half off shirt! And it is not just half shirts it is half pants, half jeans, and I swear there are some girls wearing high waisted briefs as their shorts.
Ok so I am not a young woman anymore, and I do not have daughters, but I like to think that as blunt as I am I have some sort of tact and class. And maybe even a little bit of modesty. Though I have to admit that after giving birth and then breastfeeding I have lost whatever little modesty I may have had. BUT I am still not rocking a half top! And I am not walking around in my underwear only!
I have had many conversations with people at work about the dress code which vague and scary to address in this day and age with the way people are litigious but something has to be done. The counselors have told me they have had to not only had conversations with students about appropriate dress but that some people should not wear certain things. Like spandex in the 90's it is a privilege NOT a right and in a school the privilege is NOT there. I do not think moms are buying this stuff for most but they may be and I really do not think they are walking out of the house this way, but come on, where do we draw the line.
Ok soapbox over! Maybe I will never understand?
A due date is a benchmark that people use to announce their fabulous pregnancy and to tell people when their little bundle will be arriving. For moms expecting multiples it’s really just a date. A date we know we won’t be getting to but a date so people can figure out how pregnant we are. Full term twins are 38weeks. My doctor told me that because we were having identical twins we probably would only go 36 or 37 weeks. I told people that we were due at the end of January because that’s when I figured we would have them. February 18 was insignificant.
Until is was not. I delivered on December 27, 2016 at 32weeks and 3days. All of a sudden February 18 mattered. In the hospital, in the NICU where my babes were to continue growing and learning how to be babies, they were still referred to as gestational age. And with that their expected day of arrival Home was February 18 and if you were lucky earlier, if not later. Obviously not about luck but simply how fast they can figure it all out. February 18 remained their benchmark for growth. For adjusted age. For a date that if they are lagging behind or a little slower to grow we could feel better and try to look ahead at where they would be had they been full term.
When we first came home and until at least their first birthday people would ask or try to guess how old they were and they were always 2-3 months wrong. They are little. They are preemies. They are almost 14 Months, 12 adjusted, and they wear 9 month clothes. They are healthy and are the same size as many of our friends who have full term babies who are of similar age. They grew 12inches since birth and packed on 17+pounds. They may just be a year adjusted today, but they are ok.
I thought a lot about this post and about this day and how I could put into words what this day means to me. The truth is I’m not even sure. 40 weeks before this date I was hoping to become a mom. Hoping good eggs were happening and hoping that whatever is to happen we all would be healthy. Today I think about how blessed I am to have had some great little felllas. That we persevered through so much in their adjusted 12 months. And that I am more resilient than I ever thought possible.
Today is my due date.
Ok I know the title is sooo vague and that’s ok I still can’t believe I did this and I had to admit my sins! Now let’s preface that I genuinely was excited and in my blunt not so blunt way do this all the time and usually it’s waaaay obvious, today was a big fail! And I learned my lesson! Yes people I asked a beautiful and stunning newlywed if she had something that popped out this week! She replied no and my shame and conscious have been bothering me since! If you are reading I suck and you truly are beautiful and stunning and brilliant of course because I want all women recognized for all! But I really am so sorry!
As a women who not long ago was pregnant with twins. And a women who a few years ago walked into a meeting with a parent and all the students teachers which I think 3 of which were pregnant and the Mom says oh all of his teachers are pregnant and I replied nope I’m just fat right now. And even a friend at work who to me it was giggles pointed at my bump and yelled in the hall what is that! I know better! As should the rest of the world! And one of my mentors said unless he sees a woman give birth he never looks or thinks about asking. This is my new way!! It’s so hard I get excited for them and want to open my mouth but I need to simmer. I need to let people come to me which I find many do but never assume because we all know what that spells!
Ok I hope I haven’t lost any followers! This is my confession and I’m going to do my best to make amends without making anyone else feel bad🤦🏻♀️
We went to dinner tonight and I mentioned to the man that the new park district classes were out for the spring. I told him our tot drop in had our normally scheduled class and there was an offering at another park for “Mom, Pop, Tot interaction class. I read him the description and he said point blank it won’t work. As I stared at him quizzically he said that there are 2 of them and 1 of him and would ask his other classmates about it, where I had to tell him it was at a different park. And then by chance I was on Facebook and another twin Mom was asking the same question. What are we supposed to do?
I am in a lovely situation with a mate who is “between careers” at the moment where when we heard twins we knew immediately that he was going to be a stay at home dad. At $2000-3000 a month for daycare it was a logical choice. But me being a teacher knew that they needed to get out and socialize at some point. I also know that there are many times being a teacher I can tell the difference between daycare kids and not daycare kids. I want my fellas to be a happy median. Social, friendly, can share, etc. and while they have a built in play mate they are social beings and need to explore. They are great in social situations but they are definitely not exposed to regular groups of kiddos.
I’m proactive and of course joined all sorts of things we could socialize at. We signed up and took swimming when they were 6 months old. Made Matt take them to a MyGym class, but I get it there’s 2 of them and 1 of him. How do I make this work? All these options but do I have to put them in daycare to get them out? I know lots of twin moms and moms with kids close in age have to grapple with this question. Though it’s awesome that they are home with a parent but how do they gain new skills and habits of fully functioning kids? Many parents because of financial reasons have to stay home when there are multiples and again that’s wonderful but how to get them out?
I have some friends that are home with their younger children and one who’s husband also stays home but will it be better with 2 parents and 3 kids? Can I hire a helper or does this defeat the purpose of having them home to save money? Oh my goodness so many questions and what to do?
In Chicago there are great opportunities like Pearachute which is like classpass for kiddos and The Bump Club and Beyond and of course local park districts but I think there needs to be a twin spot. Twin helpers? I’m hoping someone can answer these questions before this mama bear is on a rampage this summer overwhelming her cubs with outings because that’s the time I have. Because really trying to commit every moment of the weekend to classes that can be taken during the week just sounds like such a task. Hence we have about 8 makeup classes available for the swim class we took over the summer and fall! I’m tired people what to do? Updates one day🤷🏻♀️
Seriously how much snot and shit can come out of a tiny human??? If you read my post on the Ms. Wait what page you would know that my kids were just getting over their first ear infections. With that comes my anxiety about giving them antibiotics. I was born with an ear infection and apparently was on antibiotics basically the first 18 months of my life and it has ripped up my stomach lining. Like a cow I have leaky gut! Whatever so I braved the amoxicillin and even got myself some. Went to the clean ear check because these stinkers don’t speak well, and now there is snot and shit pouring out of them! WTF! By googling everything I guess the snot is pushing out the infection, that’s a tiny nose and LOTS ‘O Snot! And like mama they keep on pooping! So snot and lots of shit! Crazy shit! Thank goodness we went up in diaper size finally but they are blowing out of that! Sorry people TMI but I’m working on it!! That’s my rant! Tiny humans lots of snot and shit, wait, what?
A really good friend of mine reached out to me a few days ago asking me if I suffered from Postpartum Depression and/or Postpartum Anxiety. She was asking because she has a family member who recently had a baby that is a fairly private person and she wanted to let her know that she had been through it and it is ok. Now this friend of mine is a woman who I have been on a long mental health journey with. We have gone through similar things and have both struggled for most of our lives with forms of depression and anxiety. I replied to her yes I did experience it and also that because of the way everything went down it brought up old feelings of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that I experienced 16 years ago with the death of my brother (a whole other post...one day for sure). As she said her womanly sorries that she had not been there, I assured her that life is busy and truthfully I did not talk about it that much. This made me ponder the fact that most of us do not talk about it at all.
We are women hear us roar right? We know what we are supposed to do to be moms and to try to be strong for these little humans, but nothing can prepare you for the shock of all of your hormones changing and flooding in and out of your system. You can set everything up in preparation but it still hits you like a ton of bricks! I have been in therapy for a long time, with a GREAT therapist, we talked about the possibility of PPD/PPA. We tried to get Matt ready for the reality that it could happen. My chances of getting it are higher not only because of my history but because I had twins, and they even say that because we went through fertility treatments. I was screwed but I could do this, I knew I would be fine, because I prepped so hard, because I had supports in place, because blah, blah blah!
When I delivered my twins at 32 weeks and 3 days after a 2:00 doctors appointment, a magnesium drip that prevented me from seeing those boys, not knowing what was happening and my blood pressure still soaring I was a friggin mess. 5 days after I had that doctors appointment I had to go home. I had to leave my babies on "layaway" and go home. I felt hopeless. I felt like I had failed those little boys. I even felt like I should get pregnant right away again to prove that I could "do it right"! I cried, I cried, I cried. Matt thank goodness is a pretty laid back guy to my type AAA personality, but I am sure he felt lost. And I just cried. In the shower, in the car, if you said hi to me wrong, I cried. When you first have your babies you have the baby blues with all the hormones that fluctuate, so this is what I choked it all up to.
I called my therapist to report the news of the boys birth. No appointment was made yet, I could not drive due to the c-section and shit I had to pump and go see the boys every day. Or else I would be an even worse mother in my head. I went through the motions. The motions of pumping liquid gold for my fellas, eating maybe, trying to avoid pregnant people because I couldn't handle it, and trying to function all for those guys. In my past this is how I've survived. I function to function. I know how to put on a happy face and get shit done. And during this that is what I did. It is what I forced myself to do.
Days and weeks past I was still crying. I had seen my therapist, got my babies sprung from NICU, and I was still a hot mess! I had seen the pediatrician and my OB and they give you this quiz that indicated I was heading towards depression but I chalked it up to just getting my boys home. I could NOT take that darn questionnaire anymore. I knew. I knew I was miserable. I knew in my head that I had failed and was failing. We had a Bris for the boys and I do not know why people even spoke to me, because I was a hot ball of crying mess.
But I still waited to let anyone change my meds or even talk to psychiatrist about a med change or postpartum anything. By the end of March we were past this 3 month mark that would change the diagnosis from "baby blues" to actual postpartum depression and or anxiety. My therapist called my shrink and got me in quick. He drilled me on my thoughts, told me to stop breastfeeding and added a miracle drug to my regimine.
If you think for a minute it changed when I snapped my fingers and took that first pill you would be wrong. Its a process. I still struggle. I have to say to people at times I know that I look ok, but I am not. I have a lot of anxiety and depression and something I long ago accepted that I may be on meds and in therapy for the rest of my life. Which is ok. I will be ok. You will be ok.
Today is the day that my family was completed at home with Evan’s layaway status removed! He came home and he deserves a day, yes it was our family homecoming. I have said that this day was like Noah’s Ark and after 40 days and 40 nights we emerged together. Originally I was setting my parents up to watch the kids or I would go alone to get Evan, but in the end we packed up Jase and went to that NICU for the last time as patients.
I didn’t think this day was going to be as hard as Jase Day, but it surely was. For those 40 days and nights Evan was monitored and loved by nurses around the clock. They ensured all of his needs were met and of course he was alive and well. Now it was our turn to take all of our lessons learned and keep not 1 but 2 babies alive and well!
I took my time preparing Evan to leave. I fed him and changed him and gave him so individual love so he knew he would be safe and happy. I put him, while fumbling, into his car seat and hoped I strapped his tiny self in properly. I cried as they let me disconnect his leads for the very last time and cut off his patient ID for the very last time. I took him out of the scariest place I ever had to be that became our home and our family. Where his journey began. Where our journey began. I wanted so bad to take him but was sooo scared of what was to come.
Today we will celebrate Evan and our family. Give him his day to hold on to. Give him his time to be an individual with his own day. My little fella was sprung and the fun was about to begin again.
Interestingly I had told everyone while pregnant that they would be home by the beginning of February and this is when they did come home. Already 5 weeks old but still littler than any baby any of us had ever held. We cried and hugged and were set free. As a whole. I will always remember and these boys have long forgotten. I remind them but they don’t understand and that is ok. Today is Evan Day!
Jenifer Roth is a full time super woman...in her mind! Well she is good at being ok at the all the roles she takes on. Enjoy the ride!